my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
