i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
