my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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