I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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