I think I died a long time ago.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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