This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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