All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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