Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
third nipple confirmed
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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