I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
