just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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