I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
