today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
