I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
