I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
