you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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