Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i came on her dog
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
