Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
