He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
