I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
