I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
