smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
