I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I'm passing your future prison.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
