Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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