dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
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can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
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I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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