I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
