The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
She told me I should be a condom model.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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