I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
