have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
