I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
