I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
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Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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