I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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