I just pynch a tree in the face
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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