I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i drank out of a bidet.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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