How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
