Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
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I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
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I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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