hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
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