im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
He has the fingertips of a God
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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