don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
