I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
