It's like a parade of train wrecks.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
