I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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