You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
