I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
