He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
