brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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