I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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