I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
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Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
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My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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