The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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