fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
