My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
if only i could text you this smell
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
