What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
im on a boat
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