I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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