youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
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I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
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He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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