My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
