I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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