i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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