I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
