Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
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Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
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Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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